I sit before flowers
hoping they will train me in the art
of opening up.
I stand on mountain tops believing
that avalanches will teach me to let go.
but I am here to learn.
– Shane Koyczan
When I was pregnant with my first child, I remember thinking this is the most exciting and most terrifying time of my life. I was excited because I was carrying another person in my body. I was terrified because I was carrying another person in my body. For those nine months, I learned more about myself, my capacity to love another person and how beautiful and strong I am inside and out, all of which I had struggled with most of my life.
Love for Myself
While pregnant with both my children, it was important for me to take care of my body and be more aware of what I was putting into it. As I watched my body expand for my babies, I realized my ability to make sound decisions to maintain a healthy environment. That grew into a love that extended to me. I didn’t really understand what it meant to take time to love myself before kids. I only wanted others to know that they were important, and I was often an afterthought to myself.
Capacity to Love
Some of the best parts of our lives have yet to happen and for that, I am eternally excited. I embrace being a mom and all the wonder and excitement that comes with it. I love my children with an intensity and fire that I never knew existed before them. They give me the strength to work when I am tired, breathe when I feel suffocated and be free when I feel confined. They have saved me from destruction more times than I can count. I hope one day they are aware of a fraction of the inexplicable bliss they bring to my heart.
Beauty and Strength
“i am mine / before i am ever anyone else’s” are lines from a poem by Nayyirah Waheed and are the epitome of what I felt once I learned and understood my own strength and self-worth. While I am many things, I tend to be none of them entirely. It took me time to realize that I will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too smart, too unsure, too brave, too fearful. I apologize for my mistakes, but I don’t apologize for being who I am. My children have taught me that it’s okay to make mistakes, to laugh at yourself and to try again despite the odds.
This life we are living is hypersensitive. And, I’m feeling every pulse, every beat, every moment. I couldn’t be more pleased. In life, there will be moments where we will be lost and unlost over and over again. Yet, it is in these moments where we must rest assured that it’s okay to let life happen. Being a mom is challenging, rewarding, exciting and terrifying. I’m equally thrilled for each of these different moments. On Mother’s Day, my gifts are my children, and their presence and persistence have given me more than I ever thought I deserved. They are the best parts of me and the better parts of what I can become. I am blessed, honored and pleased to be Kingston Zion and Marlee Love’s mom. My kids are my heroes, today and always.